Tuesday, February 26, 2008

vagina monologues

Boys love random, meaningless sexual activity with girls. It's a commonly known fact, discovered by ancient Inuits. Another (I hope) commonly known fact is that guys say the most toolish remarks known to mankind when trying to seduce ladies in the sack. So when you're kissing boiz, and they try to kick it up a notch, there are some helpful interpretations of (and responses to) some frequently used sexylines.

Here is a compilation of my personal favorite zingers.
Note: if any guy ever uses these, said guy should never ever be satisfied with sexual gratification of any kind.

"I promise, I won't hurt you."
First and foremost, this is super creepy. Especially because it's usually whispered... ew. Typically, guys say this when they think girls are really nervous and apprehensive, and are assuming the chick's been emotionally scarred by some evil man at some point. So, almost instinctively, the clever boy beats her to the quick-- before she can confess the horrors of her heterosexual past!

I don't know about you, but this usually has quite the opposite effect on me than I'm sure was intended, because my first instinct is, "This guy is DEFINITELY a serial killer." So, the night usually ends with him backing out the door, trying to talk me down calmly, and avoiding my tennis racket that I have raised and ready to knock da bitch out before he skins me alive.

"I want to f*ck you so badly."
There is only one response to this comment when it is directed towards you: "Fantastic!" But then you must follow it up by putting every single article of clothing within arms reach onto your body. Including any coats or other types of outerwear you may find laying around. Maybe even gloves and a hat!

When boys say this, you can pretty much immediately remove the "you" from the sentence. Any loser desperate and stupid enough to have to
tell you that he wants to have sex with you, is not getting laid. At all. Ever. Not to mention, that comment is clearly wayyyyy too classy for one lady to handle, so you probably shouldn't even subject yourself to the suave sexiness of this particular gentleman.

"I've wanted to do this for so long."
response: "I haven't."
Then laugh heartlessly. And probably leave immediately, before it gets any more awkward.

"It's OK, we don't have to have sex."
...Then why does your penis keep appearing everywhere I move?

To finish off (heyyyo!), here are some rare gems I've come across when surveying some personal acquaintances:

"Does my chest hair bother you?" (...now it does!)

"I like to bite..." (RUN.)

"I really don't know what I'm doing." (.....)

You're dirty. You're a dirty girl." (girlfriend should have started fake-crying, fled to the bathroom, turned on the shower and waited for this nerd to exit the premises.)

"You wanna come with me to my car?" (A guy I made out with at a concert when I was SIXTEEN said this to me... I ran away post-haste.)

"I'm about to unleash the dragon." (dear god. please don't.)

Thursday, February 21, 2008

awkward tweens

Song of the day: Gat Kirwani, Ravi Shankar

So, there is only one bar at my school, and it's the most ultimately klassy place you'd ever want to be seen. Everyone basically packs into this dark, smoky room (complete with beer-sticky floor), gets retarded drunk and makes the poorest life decisions they possibly can. Here are a couple examples from last night:

1. I'm waiting in line for the bathroom. Notice freshman girl wearing cute top and ballet flats and stumbling a little bit. Look away. Moments later, I hear gasps, so I turn around to witness her projectile vomiting in every direction. THEN, girlfriend proceeds to SLIP IN HER OWN VOMIT and come crashing down to the floor, flailing around. It was literally a new low, and also hilarious.

2. I'm sitting outside at a table on the simply decadent patio, crafted from cracking grey concrete and subtly decorated with some keg shells and broken pool-type umbrellas. My friends and I are chatting about diamonds and yachts, taking some casual photos, having a laugh. All of the sudden-- this tiny dark-featured man comes LEAPING over the 6 foot wall that encloses the patio, crashes head-on into a heat lamp and some of the keg shells, and then just runs inside, completely unfazed. We all sat in silence for a few moments, to commemorate the most amazing thing we'd ever witnessed.

I don't know, maybe I'm missing something, but falling into and rolling around in your own vomit is one of the most humiliating and foul things I could imagine happening to me in public. Even though, there was that time I peed myself in a convenience store when I was 14... my friend's mom made me sit on newspapers the entire ride home. True story.

Monday, February 18, 2008

zo good.

Song of the day: Root Down, Beastie Boys

I'm putting good faith in all of you, and assuming you've at least heard of VH1 Classic, because it's nothing short of wonderful. I watch it pretty much anytime I remember that there's a TV in my living room (which isn't as often as you'd think), and my most favorite video thus far is some song off the "Pretty In Pink" Soundtrack. It was pretty much a montage of Molly Ringwald and that kid who always played a huge loser in, like, every 80s movie ever made. And that crayon/paint video-editing effect that was super pop in the early 90s and is basically the entire intro to that show "In Living Color" that J. Lo danced for or something.

Also, a lot of the sickest vidz remind me of "Superstar Video" which was where the kool kids had their birthday parties in third grade. Green-screen with terribly unrealistic projections of locations like New York City or a carnival as a background to some peepz fake-playing instruments? I say yes.

In Living Color Intro, for your health and nostalgia.

note: LUVZ the black & white striped spandex jumpsuit sported by Kim Wayans.

Friday, February 15, 2008

see you in prison!

Song of the day: Tenderoni, Chromeo

I don't really watch that much TV (except for 'Rock of Love 2' but we'll talk about that later), but I noticed an ad for this new game show called "My Dad is Better Than Your Dad." This is NBC's description:

The age-old question will finally be answered... Is My Dad Better Than Your Dad? Don't miss a moment of this action-packed family game show where dads battle it out in outrageous challenges and stunts. Whose dad is smarter? Faster? Stronger? Which dad knows his kids the best? You'll be in stitches when dads compete for money and neighborhood bragging rights.

Dads? 'battling it out'? I'd like to see how seriously these douches will compete over coaching soccer for a bunch of 8-year-olds.. or something equally important, like back-to-school shopping! Or maybe one of the dads will break down crying when it comes out that he's never gotten past middle management in 14 years at the same company. This can only end in lifelong intensive therapy and probz (hopefully) foster families. YAY!

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


Last night, a couple of my best pals and I went to this wonderfully cheap Mexican place called Monterray's that has 99 cent margaritas on Mondays. Believe it. This place is conveniently located between a Wal-Mart and a store that sells the most awful clothes I've ever seen. They honestly look like some terrible clothing-hybrid of Tammy Faye's face and a zoo-keeper uniform, if you can even imagine (please don't).

Anyway, our favorite waiter, Jose, brought out our delightful tequila cocktails and as he placed them on the table, I couldn't help noticing the CLAW MARKS all over his arms. In my mind, there were a few possible explanations for this.

1. Cock fighting. A good old-fashioned past-time with no social stigmas or illegality whatsoever!

2. Poor Jose is sooo emo. It's just a phase, buddy. We all know being 15 (or 43?) sucks a lot, but eventually the acne will fade and you'll find a pretty senorita to love you for you.

3. See the last few lines in the Amy Winehouse posting below.

Yikes! Oh, and if you're wondering, I had a chicken taco and it was muy bien.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Amy Winehouse, WHAT THE F*CK!

I know it's embarrassingly easy to take a crack (HA!) at Amy Winehouse's appearance and behavior, but I recently stumbled upon this picture while surfin' the net and OH MY GOD. Does she know what she looks like? It's way past, "Hm, maybe the eyeliner is a little thick." or "Okay, okay. My hair weighs more than I do, I'll eat an extra bag of cocaine today." But this is her actually trying to look good. She looks like she's wearing those plastic vampire fangs that little kids wear on Halloween. I mean, to be fair, everyone has their bad days, but she has to have some idea that she literally looks like Gollum from Lord of the Rings. Or actually, Gollum's even more hideously disfigured younger brother that the family kept chained in the basement.

...ahem... not that there's anything wrong with keeping someone chained up in a basement...

Sunday, February 10, 2008

girlz are silly

currently listening to: Vampire Weekend, A-Punk

girls are such douchebags a lot of times

1. why the obsession over being tan? I literally think I hear the phrase, "OH MAH GAHHH YOU'RE SOOOOOO TAN!" about 25 times a day. On a campus that is about 70% female, it's hard to avoid the tanorexics. You know who they are: their skin is tres orange... and even worse, it's in FEBRUARY. NO ONE IS TAN IN THE WINTER! that is the time to wear sweatshirts and coats and probably eat lots of cookiez.

2. On that note.. also do not wear sun dresses in the winter. not even to the bar. you look very stupid. there is not so much sun, therefore, not so much need for sundresses.

3. when you sleep with a boy the first time you meet him, he probably doesn't really like you. even if he says something really romantic like, "you're so pretty... i'd like to sex you up good." Also, sometimes "I'd like you to be my girlfriend" comes out as "Nice rack!!!! wanna go watch a movieeeee?"

Instead of going home with boiz when they say these things try this: take your shoes off and walk away hunched over. Or, try saying something wild, like, "I'm going home to my boyfriend... Wii tennis!" It won't get you laid, but it sometimes gets a terrific or horrible response.

4. "Live, Laugh, Love" is a really boring quote. if you post this anywhere near you, you deserve eternal disrespect and uncoolness.

5. though no one likes to admit this next one, I will. I judge you on your facebook profile. a lot. when you put things like, "loving life!" or "my friends" or "diamonds" as facebook interests, you risk losing lots of approval. who doesn't like these things? you're dumb.

6. Uggs are not fashionable. they are warm. do not confuse.

7. don't pretend to know about sports when you don't care at all. that makes you the biggest toolbox in the land. wearing a jersey on game day and knowing the quarterback's name won't make guys think you're sweet, it just makes everyone think you suck. because you do!

8. cleavage is gay. so are boobs in general.

9. a lot of times, really ugly girls wear big sunglasses and it disguises their non-beauty.
tip: if you are ugly, wear small sunglasses. then you're not leading anyone on!

10. not a lot of girls know this, but the #1 best way to get back at that bitchslutwhore you hate is to poop on her front steps. it always does the trick.

if you follow these rules, you can become the koolest girl on the block!