Tuesday, February 26, 2008

vagina monologues

Boys love random, meaningless sexual activity with girls. It's a commonly known fact, discovered by ancient Inuits. Another (I hope) commonly known fact is that guys say the most toolish remarks known to mankind when trying to seduce ladies in the sack. So when you're kissing boiz, and they try to kick it up a notch, there are some helpful interpretations of (and responses to) some frequently used sexylines.

Here is a compilation of my personal favorite zingers.
Note: if any guy ever uses these, said guy should never ever be satisfied with sexual gratification of any kind.

"I promise, I won't hurt you."
First and foremost, this is super creepy. Especially because it's usually whispered... ew. Typically, guys say this when they think girls are really nervous and apprehensive, and are assuming the chick's been emotionally scarred by some evil man at some point. So, almost instinctively, the clever boy beats her to the quick-- before she can confess the horrors of her heterosexual past!

I don't know about you, but this usually has quite the opposite effect on me than I'm sure was intended, because my first instinct is, "This guy is DEFINITELY a serial killer." So, the night usually ends with him backing out the door, trying to talk me down calmly, and avoiding my tennis racket that I have raised and ready to knock da bitch out before he skins me alive.

"I want to f*ck you so badly."
There is only one response to this comment when it is directed towards you: "Fantastic!" But then you must follow it up by putting every single article of clothing within arms reach onto your body. Including any coats or other types of outerwear you may find laying around. Maybe even gloves and a hat!

When boys say this, you can pretty much immediately remove the "you" from the sentence. Any loser desperate and stupid enough to have to
tell you that he wants to have sex with you, is not getting laid. At all. Ever. Not to mention, that comment is clearly wayyyyy too classy for one lady to handle, so you probably shouldn't even subject yourself to the suave sexiness of this particular gentleman.

"I've wanted to do this for so long."
response: "I haven't."
Then laugh heartlessly. And probably leave immediately, before it gets any more awkward.

"It's OK, we don't have to have sex."
...Then why does your penis keep appearing everywhere I move?

To finish off (heyyyo!), here are some rare gems I've come across when surveying some personal acquaintances:

"Does my chest hair bother you?" (...now it does!)

"I like to bite..." (RUN.)

"I really don't know what I'm doing." (.....)

You're dirty. You're a dirty girl." (girlfriend should have started fake-crying, fled to the bathroom, turned on the shower and waited for this nerd to exit the premises.)

"You wanna come with me to my car?" (A guy I made out with at a concert when I was SIXTEEN said this to me... I ran away post-haste.)

"I'm about to unleash the dragon." (dear god. please don't.)

1 comment:

PinkPearlgurl said...

O_M_G! I loooove ur blogspot. I also LOOOOOVE Elon boyz, I mean plaids,pastels, and polos..what more can a gurl as for?!?!? and as far as chest hairs...ekkk. I once hooked up a guy with grey chest hair!!ew.