Monday, June 16, 2008

the bro-hug: hell and damnation be unto you!

Today I'm going to bring some much-needed awareness to yet another epidemic of lameness that has infiltrated the male societal culture: the 'bro-hug.'

I'm sure you've seen it: two dudes slap hands, interlock fingers into a tight hand hold, and then appear to softly wrestle into each other for an embrace. So gay. It tends to make an appearance in a few different scenarios:

Best Budz Bro-Hug
This is probably the most commonly observed natural bro-hug. It occurs whence two male friends become excited or particularly affectionate due to extenuating circumstances. Upon the rise of pleasant emotion, the two said males will be unable to contain themselves and the bro-hug is unleashed with a joyful intensity. The least offensive of the bro-hugs.

Bro-Hug with Pseudo-Stranger
This particular bro-hug makes me laugh because, wow-- you're a drunken fool. Usually occuring during or after a game of beer pong (also sometimes known simply as 'Pong' or Beirut among idiots who take this game too seriously), the "B-HwP-S" (see above heading) is a spontaneous burst of bro-ness encouraged by friendly competition and massive alcohol consumption. Most commonly, two teammates (who may or may not be oddly matched with a one-time acquaintance or complete stranger) become so delighted by a victory, they proceed to bro-hug each other in an exceedingly unrestrained, impulsive manner. The most entertaining of the bro-hugs.

The 'Fight-then-bro-hug' Bro-Hug.
This makes me want to vomit and take an impromptu swing at the nearest face in my peripheral. This particular bro-hug is one of the more rare breeds... but that is only assuming you don't roll with frat bros, aggressive guidos, gang members or white trash. The circumstances must be proper for the FTBH bro-hug to occur. A key component is a misunderstanding, and also a sympathetic/calm/nonviolent third party. When the misunderstanding is instigated, both bros will begin to become agitated. This may (and usually does) escalate to verbal quarreling, mild pushing, and obscene hand gestures.* The aforementioned third party must now step in and provide a physical barrier and smooth-talkingness (it's totally a word). Upon the interjection, usually both agressors will realize the silliness of the scenario, and proceed to engage in the lamest, most obnoxious bro-hug in the entire world. It's like they suddenly realized that they were the bestest besty manfriends and couldn't imagine not embracing in public. Because now, my friends, there are "No worries dude. Yeah it's chill. It's totally chill. Nah you're my dawg, bro."

*Note: Quite often, if the fight enters a more physically offensive and henceforth violent realm, the conditions for the FTBH bro-hug may not be prime, and it therefore may be impossible to observe on said occasion.

Friday, June 13, 2008


For you loyal readers of this bloggity blog, I'm offering you an update on a previous post. As you know, I was filmed (VERY uncomfortably) for an episode of MTV's painfully terrible program, "Made."

The episode aired today.

I wasn't on it.

I know I talked some mad smack, but really??? F you MTV! I'm the best thing that could have ever happened to you, besides everyone's favorite show, "Douchebag USA."*

*Also known by its formal title, "The Hills."

Now with even more teenage plastic surgery, staged relationship drama and lack of personalities. Get it while it's hot!

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

lack of a muffler earns you a degree in tool school.

Here's a little poem I wrote while taking the beltway yesterday:

Man on the highway, you drive so slow
Are you aware the gas pedal makes you 'go'?
When I tried to pass you, you cut me off and sped up
I swerved and almost found myself underneath a semi-truck.

Messing around on the road seems to you a fun game
But seriously dude? I'm about to take aim.
If you're trying to anger me, you have succeeded
I hope your rear bumper isn't something you needed.

Next time drive faster, keep up with the traffic flow
And you won't need to take your stupid Civic to Aamco.
I'm sorry your car is now in the poorest of conditions
But honestly, I hate you and it seems that my road rage is malicious.

The end.