Thursday, August 21, 2008

chinese magic (gymnasts with baby teeth!)

Fuck the Olympics.


China is cheating, Michael Phelps is a scientifically modified freak with a total mongoloid head/face, and women's beach volleyball was only made an Olympic sport to make every woman in the world feel like Fatty McThunderthighs. Like, you seriously have to play it in bikinis? Is that to minimize wind resistance? I mean, it totally makes sense that your washboard abs would be hindered so much by a shirt. Also, I cannot believe table tennis is considered a sport, and "team handball" is so weird. I am seriously starting to think people are just pulling sports ideas out of a hat in a desperate effort to bring something new and fresh to da 'LyMpiX (future spelling, for the 2010 Winter Games in Vancouver. Get ready, peepz!)


The one redeeming part of the Olympics is Shawn Johnson. She does awesome back flips, looks like a cute bunny, and most importantly, has one completely wonky eyebrow that sits, like, more than halfway up her forehead. U-S-A!

Monday, August 18, 2008

greetings from NJ... where there's a jonas brother on every corner!

HEY EVERYONE!
I finally made the expedition to New Jersey. I loved it! I know you probably think it's silly, how excited I am about a place that cares so much about hair gel, nail care and Bruce Springsteen, but it was a dream of mine, and I made it happen. I did go to a wonderful birthday party that catered to my every whim, where I met some of the nicest people, but who cares about that!
Here are some highlights of my trip that I witnessed simply sitting a casual, neighborhood pizza joint:

-A few different tween boys that could have easily, right there on the spot, broken out in song and probs started a successful pop career. I watched one for awhile, hoping it would happen but I ended up disappointed, and somehow, thirsty.

-VERY fit man in VERY skimpy tank top and VERY tight jeanz. And he was straight! My mind and soul crumpled up a little... and then uncrumpled as I watched him binge eat three enormous slices of pizza, which was impressive... and totally bulimz.

-Lady whose hair would have def tried to attack/eat me, had I not stayed carefully 3 tables away. I feel very confident it was expanding as I observed it. Also, she had dark brown lip-liner on and totally loved spray tans.


This is the best part of all... the part that summarizes The Garden State for me in one simple, $1.00 package. We were casually shopping for some party favors, and stumbled upon....


...press-on fake TOENAILS.






loves Jersey. Da end.



p.s. happy 21st birthday Leeor!

& yo yo yo, Keith.