Monday, September 29, 2008


a new low, even for it.

Sunday, September 21, 2008


So it's Sunday night: I'm eating ice cream and channel surfing. I stumble upon TLC, where I see, to my gag reflex's great dismay, a 750-pound man.

I stared in horror as they gave background on this dude:

-He weighed 100 lbs in FIRST GRADE.
-He is married to a toothless lady. She is really skinny though... only weighing in at around 350 lbs.
-He was recently taken to a specialty obesity clinic in New York in a recovery attempt. Mode of transportation? Whale sling. Casually borrowed from the nearest aquarium.

Needless to say, I put my ice cream down immediately, and barfed forever. This dude cannot walk, and he's whining to the nutritionist that he needs to have his Sun Chips by his hospital bedside table. And when one of the head doctors informed him that he was diabetic, he asked if he could still keep his lifesavers... "Because [he's] a huge snacker."
I had to change the channel.

Monday, September 15, 2008



The clip on the above link is one of the first funny things SNL has done in a long while, but it sure is a zinger.

I know I've been really election oriented lately, but come on: Obamarama and Palinpalooza are sweeping the nation! What an exciting time for American politics. Except, not for McCain, since everyone completely forgot about him ever since he chose Palin as his running mate. He just pooped his diaper in fury as I typed that.

Thursday, September 11, 2008


Sarah Palin is so hot, if she even touches a glacier, the ice caps will melt.

Sarah Palin is so Christian, she doesn't read the Bible... she wrote the Bible. 

Sarah Palin is so diplomatic, she knows how to say "Heyo, I'm just yer average gun-slingin' hockey mom." in five different languages: English, Canadian French, Inuit, Caribou, and Arctic Fox.

Sarah Palin is so motherly, she once rescued a baby from a gay couple... and then murdered them with her crossbow so they wouldn't strike again.

Sarah Palin once rode a polar bear 3700 miles across the Alaskan wild, killed it with her bare hands, and set up an oil drill with her eyes closed. Then she had triplets on the spot to celebrate. 

Sunday, September 7, 2008

VMA's: vacuous meaningless airtime.

Admittedly, I am not a tween and I did, indeed, watch the VMA's tonight. However, I felt it necessary to view such a program simply to brush up on my pop culture references and try to cringe forever.

B. Spears:
 Congrats on the bod. You are a fucking robot. Thank you for allowing us to hear the same moon-man acceptance speech three different times. Very stimulating. Also, stop thanking God for his help: you've embarrassed him enough already.

Christina Aguilera: Skin-tight pants? Your vagina recently expelled a child. Gross. You sounded pretty dece, however, which I'm sure makes you the envy of all your super-talented pop peers.

Rihanna: I totally dug the 'Thriller-esque' performance of yours. And, in all honesty, I listened to Disturbia three times today on the eliptical. But girlfriend, in the future I would really rethink thigh-high boots. Not a good look for you. It looked like two ham-hocks shoved into drain pipes.

Michael Phelps: ...why are you here? And why are you out of your cage again?

Russell Brand: You are a crazy goth machine. Stop yelling. Also, no one in America gives a f*ck who you are, because only 1 out of every 2,000 of your jokes are funny. However, I hear you're good in the sack and I like your tight pants. Those are your first and only 2 compliments... ever.

Tokio Hotel: ?!?!?!?!?????????

Pink: I had no idea you were still practicing your art. I wish I still had no idea.

Demi Moore: are you SERIOUS?! Like, we've all moved past the Ashton Kutcher thing (which is still weird) but give it up already! None of these 2008 teeny-boppers have the slightest idea who you are... except that you look vaguely like someone who is on PTA with their mom.

Jonas Brothers: I feel bad that you were the butt of pretty much every unfunny joke told by that retarded British freak. And out of my personal kindness, I won't tell anyone that all three of you were originally born with vaginas. And wearing vests.

Kanye: You're so $$$. Ditto to DJ AM and Travis Barker. Get as far away from the VMA's as you possibly can.

Peace out, thug luv.