Admittedly, I am not a tween and I did, indeed, watch the VMA's tonight. However, I felt it necessary to view such a program simply to brush up on my pop culture references and try to cringe forever.
B. Spears: Congrats on the bod. You are a fucking robot. Thank you for allowing us to hear the same moon-man acceptance speech three different times. Very stimulating. Also, stop thanking God for his help: you've embarrassed him enough already.
Christina Aguilera: Skin-tight pants? Your vagina recently expelled a child. Gross. You sounded pretty dece, however, which I'm sure makes you the envy of all your super-talented pop peers.
Rihanna: I totally dug the 'Thriller-esque' performance of yours. And, in all honesty, I listened to Disturbia three times today on the eliptical. But girlfriend, in the future I would really rethink thigh-high boots. Not a good look for you. It looked like two ham-hocks shoved into drain pipes.
Michael Phelps: ...why are you here? And why are you out of your cage again?
Russell Brand: You are a crazy goth machine. Stop yelling. Also, no one in America gives a f*ck who you are, because only 1 out of every 2,000 of your jokes are funny. However, I hear you're good in the sack and I like your tight pants. Those are your first and only 2 compliments... ever.
Tokio Hotel: ?!?!?!?!?????????
Pink: I had no idea you were still practicing your art. I wish I still had no idea.
Demi Moore: are you SERIOUS?! Like, we've all moved past the Ashton Kutcher thing (which is still weird) but give it up already! None of these 2008 teeny-boppers have the slightest idea who you are... except that you look vaguely like someone who is on PTA with their mom.
Jonas Brothers: I feel bad that you were the butt of pretty much every unfunny joke told by that retarded British freak. And out of my personal kindness, I won't tell anyone that all three of you were originally born with vaginas. And wearing vests.
Kanye: You're so $$$. Ditto to DJ AM and Travis Barker. Get as far away from the VMA's as you possibly can.
Peace out, thug luv.