Friday, December 12, 2008

seen & heard

In the past two weeks, I have seen way more infomercials than I care to in my entire life. While a spanish guitar with Carlos Santana's autograph etched into the headstock was rather tempting, the gem that stood out was something a little bit more historical. 

It began with Montel Williams, former talk show host extraordinaire, who I now realize is completely out of work. I tuned out for most of his painfully serious intro, but then he went on to introduce the purchase of a lifetime: four coins emblazoned with President Elect Obama's portrait. The collection included a special edition Washington, DC dollar coin, the Hawaii state quarter, the Illinois state quarter, and a President Kennedy half-dollar. This last one was especially worth noting, because according to historian Montel Williams, both candidates based their campaign platforms on 'change.' CHANGE ON CHANGE!

In any case, you can get this commemorative gift set of $2.00 worth of coins, mounted on special edition glass paper weights. You hear that folks? a package valued at $2.00, for the bargain price of only $19.95! AND, they'll even include certificates of authenticity with every historical purchase. You know, in case anyone doubts that your enthroned quarters are knock-offs.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

nappy balla' days.

Today a friend of mine and I got into a very escalated discussion about things that are getting really old and overdone. There were a lot of qualifiers, but ultimately (and seasonally) we decided that the #1 thing we're sick of is tacky Christmas sweater parties. 

Like, the first time you hear about it, you're like "HA! So funny. Let's go to Goodwill and spend $3.50 on some awful things we'll never wear again!" And then you go to the party, drink tons of rum-laced eggnog and 'misletoe punch,' puke all over your hideous sweater and throw it away. 

While you may not remember cruising around the party blackout and topless, let me tell you something: skip the embroidered iridescent snowman next time. You'll undoubtedly get invited to at least two or three of these types of shindigs throughout the season, and after the first couple, it's really not as wacky and original of an idea as you may have previously thought. And, I guarantee you will smell vaguely of a thrift store the entire night, which is a pretty bizarre and off-putting musk.

A better use of those few bucks you'd drop on the sweater is to invest in a nice, convenient flask of Aristocrat gin. You know, the good stuff. And, extra points: it tastes like you're drinking Christmas trees and fire. Festive!


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

(no subject)

You all know how much I love to make lists. Since I haven't written on dis kool bLoG in awhile, I've been contemplating my latest life decisions, and have compiled a list of all the best things I've done in the past couple weeks. I recommend you try one or all of them, since they mostly go against every one of the Ten Commandments and the entire Koran.

1. Drank every night for 12 nights straight (and some days) until my surroundings started quivering whenever I tried to concentrate on something for more than 30 seconds.

2. Fell down a hill and rolled full-force into a rotten pumpkin.

3. Stole a hat from a store... by wearing it out on my head.

4. Didn't wash my hair for 4 consecutive days.

5. Lied about my name. Twice in one night. And used two different names. To the same person.

6. Ate a piece of pie entirely with my hands.

7. Spent over $500 in less than a week.

8. Picked my fish up out of his fishbowl with a spoon.

9. Woke up on the ground in four different locations within three weeks.

10. Wrote a Haiku and performed it on stage at an open-mic night, whilst wearing a heavy wool coat, scarf, and hat.

Feel free to leave comments about your favorite things that you've done recently. I'd love to know I'm not the only one acting like a mentally delayed six-year-old. Actually, scratch that. Four-year-old.