Monday, April 13, 2009

I think the world is ending.

Tonight I heard that Heidi and Spencer of MTV's 'The Hills' were going to break up, so I intentionally watched it. I've seen this show a few times, and am fairly familiar with the lameness of the characters and their individual flaws and vices. I never, in my entire life, thought I would say this... but there was a moment in tonight's episode, where I think I almost felt bad for Spencer Pratt. Read on...

The Recap
So basically, the episode begins with a recap of the previous story line: Spencer is flirting with yet another one of these raven-haired bartending beauties, Heidi (da GF) finds out via text to Stephanie (da Pratt sis) that Spencey is mackin'. Heidi gets super mad about all this, and then she goes to Colorado for a vaca. During this trip a really awkward dinner ensues where Heidi's mom acts like a total freak and basically sets up an arranged marriage between Heidi and her 7th grade boyfriend... neither of whom seem remotely interested in each other and are trying as hard as they can to distract themselves from the crazed matchmaker gleam in Mama Montag's eye.

The Drama
Anyway, back to the present! Heidi comes back from CO and finds out that Spencer has seen the lady bartender again, so she and Steph go out to dinner and then realize they want to go spy on Spencer. This is where things get interesting: They somehow know exactly where Spencer is going to be simply through a seemingly simple deduction, even though there are like a bajillion clubs/bars in the Hollywood vicinity and Heidi never goes out because she is an imprisoned sex slave to her douchey boyfriend. 

So in true Hills form, Heids & Steph locate Spence in under ten minutes, at the club that Spencer's "bad influence" friend, Charlie, refers to as "the low-key, cutty H-wood spot" (ARE YOU KIDDING ME?). Who is this guy?! He came out of nowhere with the most awful mustache I've ever seen, he's always sweating through some hideous expensive shirt, and it's usually because he's blitzed out of his mind off Tequila. Even on the way to the club he was completely shitty (in the damn car!), using his stupid Bay-Area lingo. He sounds like something out of a bad cop comedy show. Get out of here, you!

Of course, when the gals arrive, Spencer and Charlie are lounging with the slutty bartender and her cluelessly whorish and doe-eyed friends, all together in a big giggly circle of boobs and booze. Heidi, upon spotting them, stomps over and immediately starts ripping Spencer a new asshole, which is physically impossible because Spencer's entire being is one gigantic anal cavity. Spencer just stares back at her, dumbfounded and beardy. I half expected/really wanted him to start stroking that creepy, blond, molester beard as Heidi screamed at him like a crazed housewife. Now bad-guy-Charlie is reeeeeal sloppy drunk and obviously sweating through his Prada shirt at this point, and stands up to defend his bro. Only problem: he's so hammered it comes out as more of a slurred nonsensical stream of stuttering, and he is actually 'shushed' and gently nudged away by SPENCER PRATT! What?!

So at this fleeting moment-- and I'm positive Heidi's giant, plastic-surgeried head is going to fly off in a fiery rage as she spits venom-- there is a glint, a sparkle of potential sorrow and hurt in Spencer's eyes as the woman he loves-- sorry... I meant, 'keeps on a choke chain', confesses her displeasure and anger at his deviant behavior. 

The Resolution
...But then the pity fog cleared quickly, and I remembered that he's a complete dickhead ALL the time, everyone he's ever met hates him (including Dave Letterman), this show is completely scripted and ridiculous, and why am I still watching this crap? 

Click. 

Nice, Family Guy.

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