Tuesday, May 19, 2009


In four short days, I'm going to graduate from college. Does this surprise any of you? Did you think I was a wizened old sage, whose many travels and experiences taught me the conservative values of a sound and moral life? Or perhaps you simply thought my extensive insight into binge drinking would prohibit me from achieving the academic scores required to graduate? Well regardless, you were wrong!

Anyway, in my time of reflection and moving towards a transition into a new, less drunk (maybe.) and more jobless part of my life, I've decided to compile a list of the most important things I've learned from my time in college, and hope it translates into some sort of informal "advice" for future generations. Here goes...

  • Saying you have to pick a visiting family member up from the airport is the best way to get out of a class while still accessing approval from your professor. Being "sick" is obvious bullshit and doctors appointments can only work a couple times. Airport retrieval is perfect, because there is no limit to how many people come to visit you. You're away at college. They miss you. Shit, your whole damn family is coming, one-at-a-time, for the entire month! As long as your story is straight and you have all names (of people, airports, etc.) straight, you're golden.
  • Mexican food is seriously NEVER a good idea.
  • Beer guts can (and will) happen to girls.
  • DO NOT let your straight, male neighbor cut your hair. Even if it's "just a trim".
  • Dogs should not be kept in college apartments.
  • Dogs kept in college apartments enjoy chewing important and expensive items, and eating all the food in your pantry.
  • Dogs also like beer.
  • At one point (or many points) in your college career, you assuredly were "that guy" or "that girl".
  • A dust bunny can, in fact, grow to become approximately the size of a guinea pig.
  • If a guy doesn't get your number after you hook up with him, he is one of two things: not interested, or too drunk to remember to ask. Either way, it probably wasn't worth it.
  • Chinese food in the south is.... scary.
  • Ditto with Sushi.
  • It is possible to get so drunk that you consume a wine glass of straight tequila thinking it's white wine, and then take off your pants in front of a room full of people. Trust me.
  • Blue Gatorade is a magic cure-all for hangovers. I don't know why, but it just is. And only the blue kind.
  • You don't look cool dancing on any raised surfaces. EVER.
  • Making out in public will always come back to haunt you.
  • Your college friends will probably see you naked more than anyone in your entire life will, except for maybe your parents.
  • College has the potential to turn even the preppiest, straight-laced MF-ers into liberal, free-thinking, dope-smoking hippies.
  • Major in something you like, otherwise, I promise, you will be completely miserable.
  • Don't procrastinate 15-page papers until the night before. Bad, bad, bad idea.
  • GO TO CLASS! Unless it's the most beautiful day you've ever seen, then use the airport excuse and get the hell outside.