Friday, January 27, 2012

finding a new hood in the hood

did you major in Philosophy or 20th Century French Literature? not sure exactly what you want to do with your life, but don't want to be forced into the corporate confines of soul-sucking, hyper-productive living? Do you have a certain desire to surround yourself with people more pathetic and unfortunate than yourself in order to salvage some sense of motivation and self-worth? Well, you're in luck! There happen to be a few places with growing young populations that have your name written all over them. Cheaper-than-cheap rent, a thriving 'art' (and crackhead) community, endless shaggy-haired, tattooed strangers to drunkenly make out with, and certainly more liquor stores than you'll know where to blow your minimum wages.

If you can handle sub-zero temperatures, don't mind turbulent racism, and access to Canada is important to you, Detroit is your city. Sorry if you hate hip hop, but I'm sure you will learn to love it when it's forced down your throat every day.
  • Eminem's hometown. YA HEARD????
  • Vernor's gingerale-- the worst gingerale ever-- originated here. But they drink a drink where you mix that with ice cream, which sounds OK. I'd try it.
  • where the automobile industry died a slow, painful death and has been recently attempting a zombie-like resurgence also known as government bailout. pity jobz?
  • tons of great music is emerging from Detroit, so it's easy to come upon some acts of real promise. But also, Insane Clown Posse is actually a thing here, so... yeah.
  • there's probably a Motown museum...
  • there is a floating post office here. I would EXCLUSIVELY use this post office.

Charm City! Where people smoke crack on the bus, gunshots and sirens are a nightly lullaby, and tranny hookers will probably troll your sidewalks on the reg. Baltimore has a dead legacy of once being a thriving port city with a real aristocracy, now upheld only by inbred teen parents and ridiculously entitled jaywalkers. No matter how nice your newly gentrified neighborhood is, just remember: you're always 2 blocks away from a formidable ghetto.

  • drunk driving poses less of a threat, considering the cops have way more important crimes to address and everything is super close together. Also, you can use the confusing one-way streets as an excuse for why you're swerving like an asshole.
  • you will only drink Natty Boh (National Bohemian Beer, if you haven't heard). It's actually not terrible and costs under $2 a can at most bars, which is crazy awesome. Pretty sure I just replaced all beverages with it the entire time I lived in Baltimore, hence the bullet previous to this.
  • most of the original architecture around the city has been left almost entirely in tact, probably due to financial inability to completely bulldoze Baltimore and rebuild it as a giant condo/Target. Lucky!!!! You will probably be able to find pretty dope digs for about the cost of a pack of cigarettes in New York or DC. Act fast though, because all the little bitches in DC are catching wind of how cheap Baltimore is, and are snatching up spots left and right.
  • best crabcake in the country... but you have to elbow your way past a sidewalk jammin with street people and petty criminals, and then walk through a 'market' that reeks of rancid meat to get to it. Your move.
  • biggest rats and roaches in the goddamn universe.... and they're ev. er. y. where. djfgkjdshfgkj
  • I lived here for 7 months (street cred! kind of...)
kinda near San Francisco, but far enough that people who actually live in San Fran don't feel the need to associate with Oakland too often. From what I can tell, everyone hangs out on the sidewalk or in parking lots.
  • at least you're in California!
  • viral YouTube videos are a major export, and have led to internet celeb status (although, once such status is achieved, a swift relocation to L.A. usually occurs shortly after)
  • racial ambiguity prevalent, as residents generally fall into one of two categories: gangster thug or resentful hipster without a trust fund
  • dreadlocks rampant
  • Raiders' fans are hella loyal. and have killed people.
  • speaking of hella, you'll start to use stupid lingo that everyone thinks is cutting edge.
  • close enough to Coachella that MAYBE you can scrape up the cash to pay for a ticket. Good luck getting there if you can't find/afford a ride, though, because we all know you're not a real vagabond hippie and therefore don't have the balls to hitchhike with a stranger.
  • people actually ghost ride their whips here! I've been dying to see this in real life.

Friday, January 20, 2012


I just tweeted (on Twitter) at RedFoo (my celebrity soulmate). I hesitated for like 15 minutes after typing it out, and asked two different people if I should send it, and was legitimately nervous. I have that scared feeling like before you go on a roller coaster, and you want to know why? Because I was having deep-seeded thoughts that a silly tweet might interrupt my fantasy of having a really romantic life with him.

Let me remind you all what this guy looks like.

A rave clown. A rave clown of love.

Ugh, I finally tweeted him: I keep wanting to tweet at you but my ginormous crush on you makes it very difficult to think of something clever. You go first.

 I'm so lameeeee (ihopehetweetsback!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

what january is.

january sucks. it's freezing cold, everything is gray and shitty, and there are no holidays. AND the next holiday upcoming is Valentine's day, which also sucks and I hate the color pink. I'm moving to North Carolina in a couple weeks (thank Krishna) but my leave date keeps getting pushed back so I'm trying to fill my time with something other than drinking and smoking, now that I'm on the wagon(s?). Apparently I need to re-learn how to be a regular human being, because it seems like those were the only two things I did for fun. I'm sure everyone is doing something way more fulfilling, like going to the gym every day until last Thursday, but this is what January is like for me:

  • I have watched 3 seasons of 'Law and Order: Special Victims Unit' in the past week. I feel like I know Detectives Benson and Stabler intimately, and I am compassionate to their personal issues. I've had to stop myself from thinking I'd like to visit them at the precinct. I'm starting to get lower back pain from time spent on the couch, observing them in their natural habitat.

  • I am obsessed with LMFAO. I have a huge 12-year-old-girl crush on the older member, RedFoo, and have started watching behind the scenes YouTube videos of their musical performances. He has a giant afro and a fu manchu, wears shiny animal print pants and joke glasses with the lenses popped out. He dances like a sexy noodle.This is one of the weirder habits I've adapted, and I will not apologize.
  • I got really excited when I got a phone call today from a number I didn't recognize. As soon as I answered, I realized it was a mistake: I haven't gone out in 2 weeks, so it couldn't be a cute boy calling to rescue me from my miserable self-assigned house arrest with a romantic date. Plus, his thick Indian accent told me instantly he'd be asking me to do something I didn't want to. Assumptions correct: from a collections agency, took the remaining money from my bank account.
  • I have no money in my bank account. I should be getting some soon, but it's hard to pin down an exact moment. This is called being a freelancer.
  • I have a Tumblr. omfffffg.

  • I've been eating trail mix for meals because it's easily transportable in plastic baggies... all the better for couch-lunch.

What the hell is wrong with me? Does anyone else not have a real job right now and/or do anything remotely like this? The only good thing that has come from this month is that I'm so bummed out all the time, I've written some really deep poetry. Maybe I'll submit it to a review! It's time to hit the road southbound and get a job STAT...

...I reallywantLMFAOtoreadmyblogandcallmetohangout (336-266-6611).....


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

new year, new blog. one that I actually write on.

Happy new year! I haven't written on here since August, so maybe one of my New Year's resolutions will be "blog on Blackout Factory more". That's a good one, because my other one is quitting smoking. That one is good for me ultimately, but it sucks so bad right now. I feel like I'm constantly going to throttle strangers and kick inanimate objects for no reason.

I went to the grocery store yesterday to buy some bread and kept doing that really obvious heavy sigh thing over and over again to the woman in front of me so she would hurry up. Ew! Who does that? Who have I become without cigarettes? Those passive aggressive heavy sighers and throat clearers are the living worst! I can't let this progress.

So instead of being a raging bitch in person, I'm just going to come on here and blast everyone who annoys me. It'll save me from ruining someone's day! Isn't that so nice of me? And I'll probs say some cool, funny shit too, so please read Blackout Factory all the time and help me become a celebrity blogger that somehow (Twitter.) becomes friends with movie stars and singers. That is my third New Year's resolution in my trifecta, for the record.

2012: Smoke-free, blogging so I can be nice to your face, famous.