Friday, January 27, 2012

finding a new hood in the hood

did you major in Philosophy or 20th Century French Literature? not sure exactly what you want to do with your life, but don't want to be forced into the corporate confines of soul-sucking, hyper-productive living? Do you have a certain desire to surround yourself with people more pathetic and unfortunate than yourself in order to salvage some sense of motivation and self-worth? Well, you're in luck! There happen to be a few places with growing young populations that have your name written all over them. Cheaper-than-cheap rent, a thriving 'art' (and crackhead) community, endless shaggy-haired, tattooed strangers to drunkenly make out with, and certainly more liquor stores than you'll know where to blow your minimum wages.

Detroit
If you can handle sub-zero temperatures, don't mind turbulent racism, and access to Canada is important to you, Detroit is your city. Sorry if you hate hip hop, but I'm sure you will learn to love it when it's forced down your throat every day.
  • Eminem's hometown. YA HEARD????
  • Vernor's gingerale-- the worst gingerale ever-- originated here. But they drink a drink where you mix that with ice cream, which sounds OK. I'd try it.
  • where the automobile industry died a slow, painful death and has been recently attempting a zombie-like resurgence also known as government bailout. pity jobz?
  • tons of great music is emerging from Detroit, so it's easy to come upon some acts of real promise. But also, Insane Clown Posse is actually a thing here, so... yeah.
  • there's probably a Motown museum...
  • there is a floating post office here. I would EXCLUSIVELY use this post office.

Baltimore
Charm City! Where people smoke crack on the bus, gunshots and sirens are a nightly lullaby, and tranny hookers will probably troll your sidewalks on the reg. Baltimore has a dead legacy of once being a thriving port city with a real aristocracy, now upheld only by inbred teen parents and ridiculously entitled jaywalkers. No matter how nice your newly gentrified neighborhood is, just remember: you're always 2 blocks away from a formidable ghetto.

  • drunk driving poses less of a threat, considering the cops have way more important crimes to address and everything is super close together. Also, you can use the confusing one-way streets as an excuse for why you're swerving like an asshole.
  • you will only drink Natty Boh (National Bohemian Beer, if you haven't heard). It's actually not terrible and costs under $2 a can at most bars, which is crazy awesome. Pretty sure I just replaced all beverages with it the entire time I lived in Baltimore, hence the bullet previous to this.
  • most of the original architecture around the city has been left almost entirely in tact, probably due to financial inability to completely bulldoze Baltimore and rebuild it as a giant condo/Target. Lucky!!!! You will probably be able to find pretty dope digs for about the cost of a pack of cigarettes in New York or DC. Act fast though, because all the little bitches in DC are catching wind of how cheap Baltimore is, and are snatching up spots left and right.
  • best crabcake in the country... but you have to elbow your way past a sidewalk jammin with street people and petty criminals, and then walk through a 'market' that reeks of rancid meat to get to it. Your move.
  • biggest rats and roaches in the goddamn universe.... and they're ev. er. y. where. djfgkjdshfgkj
  • I lived here for 7 months (street cred! kind of...)
Oakland
kinda near San Francisco, but far enough that people who actually live in San Fran don't feel the need to associate with Oakland too often. From what I can tell, everyone hangs out on the sidewalk or in parking lots.
  • at least you're in California!
  • viral YouTube videos are a major export, and have led to internet celeb status (although, once such status is achieved, a swift relocation to L.A. usually occurs shortly after)
  • racial ambiguity prevalent, as residents generally fall into one of two categories: gangster thug or resentful hipster without a trust fund
  • dreadlocks rampant
  • Raiders' fans are hella loyal. and have killed people.
  • speaking of hella, you'll start to use stupid lingo that everyone thinks is cutting edge.
  • close enough to Coachella that MAYBE you can scrape up the cash to pay for a ticket. Good luck getting there if you can't find/afford a ride, though, because we all know you're not a real vagabond hippie and therefore don't have the balls to hitchhike with a stranger.
  • people actually ghost ride their whips here! I've been dying to see this in real life.

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